Streaming September 23, 2009

God shows up, but not really…I realize, He never left. It was I who walked away.

He whispers because He wants us to come closer.

My last kayak excursion, done solo, was a lesson in how one can be lost in the desert for 40 years, while having a view of the promised land all along. I felt the repercussions for a couple of days.

Bike wrecks hurt.

What does Synchronicity become when it ceases to be synchronicity?

A good cry is like a good cleansing rain. We need it for growth, for healing and for getting messy. It’s beautiful.

I didn’t know I could love a pet so much.

New friends, much like great wine, are sorely missed when gone.

An Iridescent Window May 1, 2009

Life

Vitalized with the subtleties, captivated by their enormity.  

Pensive and in awe she is.

Every breath present as if all were silent. Intent. 

Rising ardor whets the spirit at a glimpse of a universe reflective of its Maker.

If only to remain.

Time is merciless.

Imposter

The clamorous constructions wrought by desperation for fulfillment only suffocate and curtail her joy.

Face down in the dirt, gasp and a breath becomes present again.

Return, she will to life

Never to be taken for granted again.

In case you wondered if I roasted marshmallows…fireplace ruminations pt 2 February 26, 2009

With hindsight, I’m slightly amused by my previous blog. Almost 2 weeks have passed. The evening marshmallow roasting fire never happened. Rather, I jumped on a red eye flight to Florida and traveled until 3:30 Saturday morning. So much for that peaceful state of mind I was in. Strangely, I did find myself warming up in front of a fireplace; only it was at Hospice. I ’slept’ on a fold out chair for the next 3 days and counted the seconds between each labored breath before saying goodbye to my grandmother. She was such an honorable, loving woman. I will miss her deeply. 

Caring for and comforting my 90 year old grandfather was how I spent the next 3 days. Life circumstances force dramatic change that can be traumatizing. Allowing others to cope how they need to takes a lot of insight and patience. We all deal with it differently;  my observation in each of these family situations. Grandpa needed a lot of reaffirmation and security. 

I realized, so do I. My perception of situations around me have an uncanny way of reflecting similar personal experiences. What’s funny is that it either takes me a long time to realize it, or I just blindly go through life not gaining wisdom or strength until that same opportunity rears itself again in another form. 

I can’t help but wonder how long and how many times have others had to be patient with me through these difficult few years I’ve experienced. Lesson learned, I hope.

Naturally, we all experience regret at the should haves, could haves and would haves when losing someone. Hindsight is always clearer. I don’t want to stay in that place though. I want to cherish life and celebrate the lives of those I know and love. So to bring these random thoughts full circle, I hope the next time I’m sitting at the fireplace, it will be paired with great conversation and laughter.

Fireplace Ruminations February 6, 2009

 I sit here in front of the fireplace thinking this has not been a typical day, and it isn’t even 9am yet. The moment is peaceful. Fire is mesmerizing. I wouldn’t have started one had I not awakened to a cold house with no electricity. Not sure what happened…no weather involved…. After taking the kids to McDonalds for breakfast (never done that before school) I received an early phone call. I realize I’ve been answering the phone hesitantly when it comes to family. It was my dad. My grandmother who was diagnosed with cancer seven months ago was admitted last night with complications. Just two days ago my other grandmother suffered a compound fracture in her shoulder from a fall. I’ve had other calls. It’s as if a cloud of trouble recently settled down upon my family…and friends.

No matter. I am at peace. But would a respite from it all be asking too much?  My musings are, a bit daunting and I just want to crawl back under the warm blankets and come back to the realities of life a little later. 

Reality. My children grow, I’m becoming older, as are my parents and grandparents. Simply thought, but weighs heavily. I remember when time went soooo slowly as a child. I couldn’t wait to be one year older. For that matter I couldn’t wait to be an adult. And now…well, to visit the pleasantries of childhood again would be…mmm…nice.

The fire is smoldering now and the sunlight is streaming in. Today is here and I will face it with resolve to keep my eyes up and embrace the beauty of each moment I’ve been given. 

There is peace. There is joy.  There is love. There is faith in the God who is bigger than the messes we find ourselves in.

Maybe I’ll light another fire a this evening and roast marshmellows just for fun.

reverie January 14, 2009

green tea a walk in the dark tip toe and whisper double entendres dance in hot water under shooting stars names strange and similar laugh at fajitas and cry at goodbyes but just inside movies pop the liquid with swirling lights you tube thai food tacos charcoal figure lips coalesce smoking fireplaces uncanny similarities touch look back drive on and leave clay on the shelf

Windblown but still rooted January 7, 2009

The storm rages and the winds are relentless. That which is not firmly rooted gets thrown around. Everything around me is blowing…so  much is uncertain and I am at peace, at least for today. I am rooted in the only ground that will not be shaken loose. God. As long as I remember where my feet are planted, I know I’ll be fine.

Let Me Explain January 5, 2009

Okay, so breaking habits is never easy. I knew that, just like I knew doing anything cold turkey will most likely result in failure. It’s been little over 24 hours and I am amazed at how much I want to pick up the phone and text. I’m not eliminating it, simply cutting back. (In case you didn’t follow my previous post, I was referring to my phone). It’s harder than I expected.

Why am I doing this?  Mainly because if you and I are communicating beyond what would be a minute on the phone, then  I want to talk. I want to hear your voice. I want contact with the real person behind the written words. This should come as no surprise to anyone who really knows me. Give me the natural, living stuff over technological obstacles any day…how about some face time please…or at least your voice!!

Goodbye Moto January 4, 2009

It’s a love-hate relationship I have with Moto. More addictive than anything else, but not fulfilling. There’s the obvious codependency factor going on. I try to spend a few hours without him; maybe leave him at home or in the car, to no avail. He consumes my thoughts…beckoning me.

When he’s with me though, he’s rude. Especially when I’m spending real time face to face with people. Moto wants to chat. I find myself having half hearted conversations with others while gazing at Moto and pushing his buttons (he loves that). 

His mood is extremely difficult to get a feel  on. I can’t tell if he’s serious, sarcastic, kidding, jubliant, etc. Sure I know this can be common with men, but Moto beats them all.

I’m not going to mollycoddle Moto anymore. When necessary, or I’m free, we’ll spend time together. Otherwise, priority goes to the relationship with a voice; distinguishable in tone and  inflection. 

I guess I won’t really know how he’s taking it.

A different sort of celebration December 31, 2008

It’s the last day of 2008. I’m not sure I’ve made any great contributions this year. I’ve probably been pretty self-absorbed. As much as I want to finish out the year with the same impulsive self gratification, I won’t.  

This will be a New Year’s Eve like no other I’ve had. My recently widowed grandmother (Nena) is coming to stay with me. Losing her husband of 60+ years has almost sucked the life out of her. I’ve had loss, but 10 years is only a fraction of the time shared. I understand the feeling of not knowing how to go on when the thing held most dearly to you is taken away. Numbing and sleeping the pain away becomes the best remedy…temporarily. But that’s not living…that’s slow death.

As we welcome a new year, or better yet, as 2009 says “Here I come, ready or not!” I want to see Nena smile. I want to see hope in her eyes, not for my benefit but for hers; hope to live. I want to hug the fragile frame that spent endless hours holding and caring for me as a child. It’s my turn to set my wants and needs aside. It’s my turn to love sacrificially. 

Happy New Year

Hard lessons December 30, 2008

I’m not as strong as once thought

My self destructive tendencies are not dead, as I had believed

When there is no goal, there is no progress

Test the depth of the well before you try to drink from it

Duct tape and band aids are only temporary fixes

My own heart deceives me at times

Every child thinks they know more than their parent at times, and will attempt to prove it

Talk is cheap